Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
sound bites
These days, I tend to be very in tune with myself about my musical cravings at any given moment. It takes after my food cravings, in that usually for a few days I have irrepressible urges for the same things over and over, and then they quietly switch to something new and completely different a while later. For a few weeks there, every day at 3 o'clock, it would be necessary for me to eat a bag of fritos. In March I wanted salad with ranch dressing a lot. Usually rootbeer and charleston chews go together.
Some days when I'm a bit down, I want emotional music, maybe even a bit sad, to make me feel better. These two songs seem to have stuck with me since the summer started:
This week was different though--with a radical juxtaposition of happy and angry, I would get to work every morning needing this adorable song:
And find myself driving home late at night, singing along to this one:
All lovely, some happy, some sad.
LB
Some days when I'm a bit down, I want emotional music, maybe even a bit sad, to make me feel better. These two songs seem to have stuck with me since the summer started:
This week was different though--with a radical juxtaposition of happy and angry, I would get to work every morning needing this adorable song:
All lovely, some happy, some sad.
LB
Proverbs
I've put a new Bible verse in my little yellow book, and it's from an e-mail my mom sent me earlier today.
"Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted ox and hatred with it." Proverbs 15:17
It has been an awesome week at work, more than a month now on the job. I finally know enough to start working on all of my own projects, so I'm very, very happy. We also helped out a friend of mine by volunteering last minute to host two British girls for the last few days. The Selwyn College Choir from Cambridge University in England is on their first ever US tour, starting in Boston and travelling to New Haven, Philadelphia, New York, and D.C. My brother, grandmother, and I worked together to make our guests, May and Jo, feel welcome and at home. That meant good food, relaxation, music-making and of course, a trip to Kimball Farm for enormous sundaes.
In light of the wonderful experiences I've been having this week, there have been some very serious things on my mind as well. Earlier this week I had what must be my first conflict with a friend in over 4 years (they tend to happen about every 4-5 years with me), and it has left me shocked, hurt, and a bit bewildered.
The situation is so difficult, painful, and complicated, that I feel like there is nothing I really can do to change it right now in any sort of positive way. Walking away, for me, is usually not the solution.
But in this case, I think that's what needs to be done. At least for a while. The verse from Proverbs struck me because I'm not the kind of person who walks away from people in my life (ever), and I also am always more comfortable with putting myself in a dangerous position, because I trust that I have a thick skin. Thinking about what could happen if I were to place myself in the line of fire this time, I know that it would be unnecessary abuse. My friend has made it clear that her idea of a "conversation" is to have me listen to everything she has to say, but I don't think she intends to listen to me.
For now, I will stick to my herbs. Especially since those with love are finally getting back from being away all week.
love,
LB
Friday, July 6, 2012
little book
Before my final semester at Wellesley began, I made a new commitment.
I committed myself to trusting God, in all aspects of my life.
Piece by piece, I handed over everything I had tried to hold on to and manage by myself since returning home from my junior year abroad. This included my relationships, with family, friends, and boyfriends. I gave up my past, my present, and my future plans. I asked God to reveal my passions and dreams to me, because I didn't know what they were anymore. I told Him, I would let Him do it His way, because my way was not working.
My goals for the last semester were basic ones. I wanted to succeed in my classes and feel like I could do my work well and be interested in what I was learning. The desire to find a church, and go to it was another major thing. I remember asking my friend Grace for help with even getting myself into a church, since my lack of motivation and tendency to just blow things off was overwhelmingly strong. Sometimes you don't realize how much you needed the support of another Christian until you get it. The next big goal, was to figure out what I wanted to do after graduation. The emphasis is on that word: want. Not what I should do. Not what I would do.
A big part of my commitment to trusting God meant, to me, that I would start trusting that no matter what happened after graduation, I would be OK. So, I focused instead on asking Him, well, what are my gifts? What am I good at, and what gives me joy to do? What would I work a 9-5 crapola job, just so I could do this other thing, and maybe eventually be able to do that for my job?
I guess the reason I'm suddenly thinking about that time of my life (back in January) is because of a little notebook I bought a few weeks ago. It's maybe 1.5 inches wide and 2.5 inches high, with a yellow cover, handmade paper, and a red ribbon bookmark. I bought it like I usually buy notebooks--without any clear idea of what I would write in it. Usually, that part figures itself out.
During my first week of work, I was sitting at my computer and suddenly had an idea. That first week was pretty hard emotionally, because this semester the other big piece I handed over to God was my romantic life (if you give this to God, expect some harsh lessons about yourself!) I needed comfort, and I found it in two verses.
"In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"- Proverbs 16:9
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding, but in all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6
These two verses are the first ones written in my little book, and how grateful and blessed I feel to be sitting here at an amazing job one full month after writing these verses down. This semester, God gave me a church, renewed broken and difficult relationships in my life, rekindled my passion for learning, and helped me find my way back to music, and set me up with a job, an apartment, and time to spend with my family. He even, of late, has revealed a side of romance that I never dreamed possible.
God teaches me every day about life, His love, and about how He fulfills His promises. Right now I am confident in this promise: He hears and answers our prayers.
love,
Lucy
I committed myself to trusting God, in all aspects of my life.
Piece by piece, I handed over everything I had tried to hold on to and manage by myself since returning home from my junior year abroad. This included my relationships, with family, friends, and boyfriends. I gave up my past, my present, and my future plans. I asked God to reveal my passions and dreams to me, because I didn't know what they were anymore. I told Him, I would let Him do it His way, because my way was not working.
My goals for the last semester were basic ones. I wanted to succeed in my classes and feel like I could do my work well and be interested in what I was learning. The desire to find a church, and go to it was another major thing. I remember asking my friend Grace for help with even getting myself into a church, since my lack of motivation and tendency to just blow things off was overwhelmingly strong. Sometimes you don't realize how much you needed the support of another Christian until you get it. The next big goal, was to figure out what I wanted to do after graduation. The emphasis is on that word: want. Not what I should do. Not what I would do.
A big part of my commitment to trusting God meant, to me, that I would start trusting that no matter what happened after graduation, I would be OK. So, I focused instead on asking Him, well, what are my gifts? What am I good at, and what gives me joy to do? What would I work a 9-5 crapola job, just so I could do this other thing, and maybe eventually be able to do that for my job?
I guess the reason I'm suddenly thinking about that time of my life (back in January) is because of a little notebook I bought a few weeks ago. It's maybe 1.5 inches wide and 2.5 inches high, with a yellow cover, handmade paper, and a red ribbon bookmark. I bought it like I usually buy notebooks--without any clear idea of what I would write in it. Usually, that part figures itself out.
During my first week of work, I was sitting at my computer and suddenly had an idea. That first week was pretty hard emotionally, because this semester the other big piece I handed over to God was my romantic life (if you give this to God, expect some harsh lessons about yourself!) I needed comfort, and I found it in two verses.
"In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps"- Proverbs 16:9
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thine own understanding, but in all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6
These two verses are the first ones written in my little book, and how grateful and blessed I feel to be sitting here at an amazing job one full month after writing these verses down. This semester, God gave me a church, renewed broken and difficult relationships in my life, rekindled my passion for learning, and helped me find my way back to music, and set me up with a job, an apartment, and time to spend with my family. He even, of late, has revealed a side of romance that I never dreamed possible.
God teaches me every day about life, His love, and about how He fulfills His promises. Right now I am confident in this promise: He hears and answers our prayers.
love,
Lucy
Sunday, June 17, 2012
morning person
God, best at making in the morning, tossed
stars and planets, singing and dancing, rolled
Saturn's rings singing and humming, twirled the Earth
so hard it coughed and spat the moon up, brilliant
bubble floating around it for good, stretched holy
hands till birds in nervous sparks flew forth from
them and beasts--- lizards, big and little, apes
lions, elephants, dogs and cats cavorting,
tumbling over themselves, dizzy with joy when
God made us in the morning too, both man
and woman, leaving Adam no time for
sleep so nimbly was Eve bouncing out of
his side till as night came everything and
everybody, growing tired, declined, sat
down in one soft descended Hallelujah.
-Vassar Miller
from my favorite poetry anthology, Good Poems by Garrison Keillor
Yesterday, I would say, was a day that started early, was full of good, beautiful work, and ended with one soft Hallelujah.
Today, it seems, is beginning with such an Hallelujah. May it never leave my lips, but stream forth. Forevermore.
oh dear, apple pecan pear pie.
-Christopher Robin
stars and planets, singing and dancing, rolled
Saturn's rings singing and humming, twirled the Earth
so hard it coughed and spat the moon up, brilliant
bubble floating around it for good, stretched holy
hands till birds in nervous sparks flew forth from
them and beasts--- lizards, big and little, apes
lions, elephants, dogs and cats cavorting,
tumbling over themselves, dizzy with joy when
God made us in the morning too, both man
and woman, leaving Adam no time for
sleep so nimbly was Eve bouncing out of
his side till as night came everything and
everybody, growing tired, declined, sat
down in one soft descended Hallelujah.
-Vassar Miller
from my favorite poetry anthology, Good Poems by Garrison Keillor
Yesterday, I would say, was a day that started early, was full of good, beautiful work, and ended with one soft Hallelujah.
Today, it seems, is beginning with such an Hallelujah. May it never leave my lips, but stream forth. Forevermore.
oh dear, apple pecan pear pie.
-Christopher Robin
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Christmas in June
I've been home only a week or so, and I've got this funny happy warm feeling all of the time.
At first I thought it was just leftover excitement from this month---my birthday, being with Alexander and Clara in Berlin, and then spending senior week with my dearest friends and finally graduation. That weekend I ate all of my favorite foods and saw my family and old friends. Then I got a job offer at Wellesley College and a day later settled on a beautiful, wonderful, perfect first apartment.
That's quite a lot to provide for warm butterfly feelings.
I took this week off work (since my first official day is next Monday anyway, and I can't get my desk computer to like the Windows 7 upgrade) and I've been loving the time off. It's only been since yesterday, since I was on grandma duty the whole weekend while my Ammah (mom's mom) was here for her 70th Wellesley reunion (another post, another time). In this short span of 24 hours, I've slept a ton, gone running, snuggled with my puppies, baked cakes, done crafts, read some, and played music. Yesterday, attempting to get some html training done, I went to my town library (wifi!) and ended up, alas, on pinterest, and then checking out 15 cds.
Half were Christmas cds.
And now, sitting here in pjs, slippers, an apron, with tea, chips&salsa and pickles, my favorite afternoon snack, it has hit me. It feels like I'm truly on holiday, and the best one. Christmas. I've got it all, family and friends home, time for cooking and baking, and this irrepressible feeling of love for those around me.
Bublé's rendition of "I'll be Home for Christmas" came on and I had a flashback to myself this past December. What a wreck! I posted a video of myself singing this song and plucking the guitar the night before I came home for winter break, and I remember feeling so miserable. Yes, I was happy to be coming home and to be looking forward to going to Vienna for New Year's, but I remember this feeling of hopelessness that neither were really home. Maybe it was because I was so lost in myself, that I felt I didn't belong anyway. I don't know.
But, I can tell now, that feeling of lostness and not really having a home, is gone. So yes, I'm going to go ahead and have myself a merry little Christmas. In June. Unofficial, of course. I'll just quietly sneak around giving my loved ones baked goods and little thank yous and notes (with the pretense of birthday and graduation present thank yous). But really, what I'm trying to say is, hey, I'm so happy we get to be family. Or friends. I feel so lucky with my lot in life, even if sometimes it's stinky, like Watson. I never want to feel as low as I did this past Christmas, and I think I've figured out even just a little bit more, what Christmas is all about.
Maybe we can feel like it's Christmas all year long, like the Charlie Brown song suggests.
There is one Christmas song I can and do listen to almost every day---it always makes me think of the day in late November that my little bro got on a plane and I had to say good-bye after his week with me in Vienna. Walking home, I felt suddenly so alone and missed my family and missed my brother already and didn't know quite what to do with myself. This song came on shuffle on my ipod, and it began to snow. The very first snowfall that winter----
I smiled. And laughed. And played this song on repeat long enough to walk all around my neighborhood in the snow, and realize that there were so many more surprises and wonderful things to experience in Vienna, even if I were a bit sad and quite lonely.
Listening to this song, I have my own little Christmas all on my own, and find just another little reason to keep smiling each day. And especially, today.
-lab
At first I thought it was just leftover excitement from this month---my birthday, being with Alexander and Clara in Berlin, and then spending senior week with my dearest friends and finally graduation. That weekend I ate all of my favorite foods and saw my family and old friends. Then I got a job offer at Wellesley College and a day later settled on a beautiful, wonderful, perfect first apartment.
That's quite a lot to provide for warm butterfly feelings.
I took this week off work (since my first official day is next Monday anyway, and I can't get my desk computer to like the Windows 7 upgrade) and I've been loving the time off. It's only been since yesterday, since I was on grandma duty the whole weekend while my Ammah (mom's mom) was here for her 70th Wellesley reunion (another post, another time). In this short span of 24 hours, I've slept a ton, gone running, snuggled with my puppies, baked cakes, done crafts, read some, and played music. Yesterday, attempting to get some html training done, I went to my town library (wifi!) and ended up, alas, on pinterest, and then checking out 15 cds.
Half were Christmas cds.
And now, sitting here in pjs, slippers, an apron, with tea, chips&salsa and pickles, my favorite afternoon snack, it has hit me. It feels like I'm truly on holiday, and the best one. Christmas. I've got it all, family and friends home, time for cooking and baking, and this irrepressible feeling of love for those around me.
Bublé's rendition of "I'll be Home for Christmas" came on and I had a flashback to myself this past December. What a wreck! I posted a video of myself singing this song and plucking the guitar the night before I came home for winter break, and I remember feeling so miserable. Yes, I was happy to be coming home and to be looking forward to going to Vienna for New Year's, but I remember this feeling of hopelessness that neither were really home. Maybe it was because I was so lost in myself, that I felt I didn't belong anyway. I don't know.
But, I can tell now, that feeling of lostness and not really having a home, is gone. So yes, I'm going to go ahead and have myself a merry little Christmas. In June. Unofficial, of course. I'll just quietly sneak around giving my loved ones baked goods and little thank yous and notes (with the pretense of birthday and graduation present thank yous). But really, what I'm trying to say is, hey, I'm so happy we get to be family. Or friends. I feel so lucky with my lot in life, even if sometimes it's stinky, like Watson. I never want to feel as low as I did this past Christmas, and I think I've figured out even just a little bit more, what Christmas is all about.
Maybe we can feel like it's Christmas all year long, like the Charlie Brown song suggests.
There is one Christmas song I can and do listen to almost every day---it always makes me think of the day in late November that my little bro got on a plane and I had to say good-bye after his week with me in Vienna. Walking home, I felt suddenly so alone and missed my family and missed my brother already and didn't know quite what to do with myself. This song came on shuffle on my ipod, and it began to snow. The very first snowfall that winter----
I smiled. And laughed. And played this song on repeat long enough to walk all around my neighborhood in the snow, and realize that there were so many more surprises and wonderful things to experience in Vienna, even if I were a bit sad and quite lonely.
Listening to this song, I have my own little Christmas all on my own, and find just another little reason to keep smiling each day. And especially, today.
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