At first I thought it was just leftover excitement from this month---my birthday, being with Alexander and Clara in Berlin, and then spending senior week with my dearest friends and finally graduation. That weekend I ate all of my favorite foods and saw my family and old friends. Then I got a job offer at Wellesley College and a day later settled on a beautiful, wonderful, perfect first apartment.
That's quite a lot to provide for warm butterfly feelings.
I took this week off work (since my first official day is next Monday anyway, and I can't get my desk computer to like the Windows 7 upgrade) and I've been loving the time off. It's only been since yesterday, since I was on grandma duty the whole weekend while my Ammah (mom's mom) was here for her 70th Wellesley reunion (another post, another time). In this short span of 24 hours, I've slept a ton, gone running, snuggled with my puppies, baked cakes, done crafts, read some, and played music. Yesterday, attempting to get some html training done, I went to my town library (wifi!) and ended up, alas, on pinterest, and then checking out 15 cds.
Half were Christmas cds.
And now, sitting here in pjs, slippers, an apron, with tea, chips&salsa and pickles, my favorite afternoon snack, it has hit me. It feels like I'm truly on holiday, and the best one. Christmas. I've got it all, family and friends home, time for cooking and baking, and this irrepressible feeling of love for those around me.
Bublé's rendition of "I'll be Home for Christmas" came on and I had a flashback to myself this past December. What a wreck! I posted a video of myself singing this song and plucking the guitar the night before I came home for winter break, and I remember feeling so miserable. Yes, I was happy to be coming home and to be looking forward to going to Vienna for New Year's, but I remember this feeling of hopelessness that neither were really home. Maybe it was because I was so lost in myself, that I felt I didn't belong anyway. I don't know.
But, I can tell now, that feeling of lostness and not really having a home, is gone. So yes, I'm going to go ahead and have myself a merry little Christmas. In June. Unofficial, of course. I'll just quietly sneak around giving my loved ones baked goods and little thank yous and notes (with the pretense of birthday and graduation present thank yous). But really, what I'm trying to say is, hey, I'm so happy we get to be family. Or friends. I feel so lucky with my lot in life, even if sometimes it's stinky, like Watson. I never want to feel as low as I did this past Christmas, and I think I've figured out even just a little bit more, what Christmas is all about.
Maybe we can feel like it's Christmas all year long, like the Charlie Brown song suggests.
There is one Christmas song I can and do listen to almost every day---it always makes me think of the day in late November that my little bro got on a plane and I had to say good-bye after his week with me in Vienna. Walking home, I felt suddenly so alone and missed my family and missed my brother already and didn't know quite what to do with myself. This song came on shuffle on my ipod, and it began to snow. The very first snowfall that winter----
I smiled. And laughed. And played this song on repeat long enough to walk all around my neighborhood in the snow, and realize that there were so many more surprises and wonderful things to experience in Vienna, even if I were a bit sad and quite lonely.
Listening to this song, I have my own little Christmas all on my own, and find just another little reason to keep smiling each day. And especially, today.
No comments:
Post a Comment