Sunday morning

Sometimes you don't realize how long you've gone without a break.

After a solid week of hitting the bed exhausted by 10 pm almost every night, I finally checked myself. Stopping to take stock of what's been going on, where my time has been spent, and what is wrong. Starting with my insane spring break of working 30 hours at the Helpdesk instead of relaxing at my grandma's, it only got worse. The next week was lost to recital preparation, the following week in a crazy mix of emotional turmoil and food poisoning, and this past in a daze of homework and exhaustion. I literally haven't blogged or written in my journal for two months, my room is a mess, and I've realized I don't even know where my favorite journal is anyway. Hopefully I can find it whenever I get around to cleaning my room.

But the worst part, is that I let myself get completely ahead of myself. I've jumped into something that I thought was right all along and suddenly I've realized it's not. Now I get to attempt to retrace my steps, wich means climbing back up the cliff I jumped onto. And the effect it could have on some people around me may be similar to what would happen if they were the one holding the rope, straining to pull me up. I'm upset at myself, because I'm going to disappoint some people I really care about.

Yesterday I decided that I needed to get out of Wellesley. I have Johnny's car for two weeks while he's in France and I looked up a few spots and asked a friend for suggestions. We both had the exact same thought, and I asked my more intense hiking friend to go, since it sounded like it would be a little difficult. We headed bright and early (10 AM haha) to the Blue Hills Reservation in Milton, only a half hour South of Wellesley, and we both returned completely new. The trek was rough, very steep up and down, but the views of Boston, the clear blue sky, and the fresh smell of spring made it worth the effort.

And the best part, is that getting through that trail and abandoning myself to nature I was able to confront everything I've been too busy to think about for the last few weeks. I was hurt, it did suck, and I decided to just chill, but then got swept up in something new. But, truly, my heart did not heal. And did not move on. And, well, right now it doesn't have to. It can stay right here for a while. Here feels really, really good.

How wonderful, to explore somewhere new in the outside in the world, but also in the inside. How funny, that I could convince myself so strongly that my heart had changed. I ought to know myself better than that.

-lab